It has taken me a while to write this post, in fact this is why I am delayed with all of my posts. In early June, we found out that I was pregnant and got very excited to have baby #3 join our family in February, 2012. It was going to be crazy because I would be 39 weeks pregnant on my sister’s wedding, but to be honest, I never really worried about it and knew it would all work out. We informed our family and Louis and Mabel over the July 4th weekend. It had been a rough few weeks for me with tiredness and nausea but I tried to stay positive. I knew that that all of these things were a part of the process that I was very lucky to be going through. The children were thrilled and dinner time quickly became a place where we discussed how big baby was (the size of a pea, then a grape, a peach, etc.) and we would all come up with ideas for baby names (Louis wanted to name the baby “Bobby” no matter what and loved to tease me about it). Mabel would kiss my belly nightly and would constantly be trying to lift up my shirt or dress to “see baby”. The whole family was thrilled and even became more excited when around 14 weeks my belly started to get rounder and it became more real for everyone. On Thursday Sept 1, I went in to see my obstetrician for my monthly check up. I was 16 weeks and 5 days. I had a few questions but nothing overly concerning. Unfortunately, when we tried to listen to the heartbeat, there was only silence. The dr quickly performed an ultrasound, just in case the baby was being stubborn. On the little screen by my head I could see the baby, but it was obvious, even to me, that the baby’s heart was no longer beating. I quickly called Brad and he came to be with me immediately. Needless to say it was an awful day.
When we got home that evening we knew we had to tell Louis and Mabel – which was the part I dreaded the most. I was having a hard time comprehending it all, how could I expect a 4 and nearly 3 year old to understand. Mabel just stared at us and Louis broke down sobbing. He was so sad and it was so hard to that we couldn’t make it all better for him. After the tears dried for a little while and we ate and gave hugs, it was time for bed. Louis told me he really wanted a new baby and I told him that we would have to pray. He responded with, “maybe we didn’t pray enough for this one”. It broke my heart that he should feel any responsibility for what happened. I quickly explained that we couldn’t have prayed more or been more excited. It has been tough few weeks but we have received amazing support from friends, family and coworkers and it has really helped us through. It reminds how good people are and am grateful to be surrounded by such people.
Now we are moving forward as best as we can. Louis and Mabel don’t ask as many questions about the baby we lost, but make sure to tell me every Sunday that they prayed for a baby in Church and most nights Louis also prays for a new baby. For me, I am so lucky to have the children I have, I can’t imagine how much harder it would be to not have them already. I am hopeful that someday there will be another baby in our family but in the meantime, we continue to be thankful for what we have been given.
